these past two days have been pretty awful.

fuck.

So here is the new tattoo...i have posted three pictures so you can see it from different angles...at least that's what i was trying to do.

:)

but to explain it a little bit....

i haven't really told anyone what it means. as far as my friends know, its just "cool" cuz a) i drew it and b) it just is. but it has meaning, every tattoo i have or will ever get in the future has to have meaning otherwise i wouldn't put something so permanent on my body.

this tattoo is my way of showing beauty. so much now-a-days beauty is shown through perfection. women with the perfect body, flawless face, biggest "assets" are the ones who we are told are "beautiful." but so often we focus on perfection that we miss all the beauty that comes from the essence of things being imperfect. things being flawed. things created so that they're different from every other thing in the universe. the reason i chose the dandelion in the seed stage is because of how the wind effects it and blows the seeds in different directions. it depicts how the smallest, most beautiful things in life, get blown away and lost in the business of this world...especially in the united states. so much anymore we don't have time just sit down and take time to appreciate the natural beauty of life around us. we are rushed from one thing to the next and by the end of the day feel unfulfilled even though we have surrounded ourselves by so much.

so that's why i chose the dandelion. to most it's a hated thing...a weed that is a bitch to kill cuz it just never goes away. the seeds get blown in the wind and next summer the dandelions in that area are ten times worse. now don't get me wrong, as precious as it is for a child to give ther mother "flowers," aka dandelions, picked fresh from the yard every year, the yellow dandelions are just ugly. and they stink. but when we are young, they are the prettiest flowers we have ever seen. and to me that is beauty.

i wish i was still 5 where a fuzzy ugly caterpillar was the cutest thing i have ever seen. or the simple yellow dandelion was the BEST flower i could ever pick for my mom. but anymore i find everything wrong with something instead of seeing everything that is right. so i tattooed it on my body. as imperfect as i see myself each day, there is a true naturaly beauty about me that makes me different from every other person in the world. i'm not sure i have found out what that is yet, but God keeps reminding me that everything he created is beautiful. i just hope i can show others that beauty too.

ashes and wine

It's weird how little you can know about someone that makes you fall the hardest. I barely know you yet I feel so at home when I'm with you. I feel at peace, comforted, like there is no where else I could be that would make me feel safer. And what SUCKS about this all is you have trust issues and Im not sure if you really believe me when I say that I've never felt this way before.

I mean ya, it is weird cuz I was in a relationship for three years before this, but this feeling...the one I get when I am with you isn't something Ive ever experienced before.

So I tell you that but then I just sit as I watch you with her. I wish I could know what it would take to make you mine, but I guess I'm just gonna be vulnerable for a while because thats the only thing I know to do right now.

It sucks that I love so easy and let go so hard.
I just wish the people I truly love and care about could see this.
oh how i could just scream....

everytime I start to stray, God calls me back. I tend to find myself acting like a square block trying to fit in a circle hole. I don't know why...but after a while I always try finding different ways and places to fit in. I tend to try and fill the void of not having my boyfriend in my life anymore with things that I think will make it better instead of putting God at the center. It is almost like I know what I am supposed to do, but I have to mess up so many times before I will actually understand. Ha.

i hadn't made time for God the past week, and I was just starting to feel worn down and out come church on Sunday....so I decided today to start reading Red Moon Rising again, and already I feel a million times better. It is amazing how just a little bit of God's goodness can bring unending love and joy and peace and patience. I don't get it, nor do I think I ever will, but thank God it happens.

This was kinda a short and pointless post, but I just needed to get some thoughts out.

so it is february 8, and I couldnt be more content with what God is doing in my life. Just yesterday I ended three years of my life and watched him walk out the door. I was not sure at the time if this was what God was really wanting me to do, but there was no going back now.

you see, i had borrowed my parents van(I know, sweet wheels)for the afternoon, and I was getting ready to leave to return it to them because I had to go to work (thats a whole nother story!) Anyways, I went out to the van and right as I turned it on, this song had started playing. Well, I had been crying off and on because I was afraid I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I started listening to the song and just broke down in tears. about an hour before I had gotten down on my knees and said to God, give me a sign that this is really what you want me to be doing because I can't live without him if you aren't in all of this. The song that had started playing was "by your side" by tenth avenue north. The first verse hit me, and it hit me hard. I started crying because I have never had God so blatanly answer my prayers....here is how it went.....

"Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying, let me lift up your face, just don't turn away. Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching, as if I'm not enough. To where will you go child? Tell me where will you run, to where will you run? Cuz ill be by your side wherever you fall in the dead of night whenever you can and please dont fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you."

Suddenly my emotions were calmed and I could feel a sense of peace within me. Well last night after work, I just was down. I was feeling sad again, and I just didn't want to start imagining my life without him. This morning I woke up and I was feeling the exact same way, so when I got to church, I prayed. I prayed that God might reassure me that what I was doing was righteous in his eyes and was for his glory. At the end of the service, Andrew got up and said that God had told him during the last couple songs that he was pleased. Andrew asked why, and God said....because I see people who are striving after who I have mad them to be. They want to be what I have created them to be. I started crying because again, God has shown me his promise.

I tell myself that I believe in God and how real He is in my life. But never before have I felt like God has specifically spoken through others or music to me. I guess there is no going back now, huh? God has a plan for me and I'm the only one stopping me from living it up, all for Him.

It's not going to be easy, but if it were easy...everyone would want to be a Christian. I just pray that God might be able to use me as a child of light for his name.

i think i could probably yell as loud as i can and it will always seem as if i am yelling at a deaf person. it's like i knock and no one is home because someone is in love. at least you say its love.

only 6 months ago you called me your best friend, but now you allow her to tell you who you are and are not allowed to talk to. have you lost all respect for me and how i was more than a good friend to you? have you lost all respect for yourself? i guess i just dont get it. actually, i do...ive been there. i know what its like to be restricted from some of your bestfriends because your man/woman says you can't talk to them anymore. let me tell you something....YOU ARE IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!

so you continue to stay in the relationship and ignore everything i say. you slowly stop talking to me, and i dont even think you understand how much it is breaking me down. im not trying to be vain and make it seem like im the only thing that matters, but i don't know how much longer i can put up with this.


so i wrote all above about 2 or so days ago....just let it sit on my computer, and this is now how i feel....


i found out A LOT last night. a lot i didnt expect and just a lot in general. but surprisingly enough, im not mad. im actually quite happy. i realized how immature i had been and i have realized its not about how he is affecting me. its not about how he is hurting me, because i am human and to be frank I probably deserve it. so ya.
now i will just be love, and love alone. because through love comes everything else. it just happens that way. and thank God it does.

I don't know how to explain to someone that what I am doing with this life is not for me. It is so hard to have people understand that I believe that the life God has so graciously blessed me with is not really for me to decide and that ultimately I'm just the puppet. I'm just here to be seen because God knows how hard it is to believe without seeing. Now hold on one second....I am in no way shape or form saying that I am God, I am just saying that I am His messenger spreading His love and grace throughout the world, wherever that may be.

This past November God placed on my heart that school is not what he has in mind for me right now. I have heard so much vindication of what God has told me through sermons, prayers, books(the Bible) that I know God's hand is in all of this. So now is my time to prepare myself for whatever it may be that He has in store for me.

Am I scared? Out of my mind scared, but God is good, and through me I will allow His goodness to shine because I am going to live as a child of light.

So for whoever may read this between now and the day you die, I ask that you might pray. Not for me. But for whatever God may be preparing me for. I know that no one can never receive enough prayer, but I fear that there are so many people out there who have never received even a quick bedtime prayer. So I ask that you might pray for those who I may encounter over the next week, month, year, or decade. I ask that you might pray for there ears to be open and hearts to be softened because we all know that this whole salvation story isn't easy, especially when you live in a land full of hatred and despair.

"Dear brothers and sisters, I want you to understand that the gospel message I preach is not based on mere human reasoning. I received my message from no human source, and no one taught me. Instead, I received it by direct revelation from Jesus Christ."
Galations 1:11